Saturday, March 6, 2010

Motherhood is Scary

I think every mother knows THE ever real fears that are associated with having children. Will my child be healthy? Will he develop normally? How can I keep him the most safe?

I remember when Joey was first born, I had the huge fear of SIDS. I don't think anything worse then that could happen to your own child. I used a baby monitor all the way up until 2.5 years and constantly checked on Joey at night. When he turned one I was more relieved, when he turned 2 the fear subsided.

But one thousand more fears take its place and continue to add up from the day he took his first breath.

I fear most the things I have no control of, but I obsess over the things I do have control of. I am a safety freak when it comes to windows, plugs, streets, and heights. I have an overly active imagination that scares the heck out of me at times. I know that when Joey is with me he is safe. So naturally I have trust issues with others.

Don't get me wrong I love that my family babysits Joey and I trust them too but normally I leave without a verbally demanding list of do's and don'ts. Like I said, its a control thing. I reason that everything should and will be OK as long as I verbally remind others.

As Joey starts to grow from a toddler to a child I start to feel that I don't have control over the things I wish I could. I know I can't protect him from everything but I would lay out my life for his own. I pray every night that he has a wonderful, long life and grows to be an old man.

I am able to grasp tangible reasoning's to understand certain things, but unfortunately Joey does not fully realize the "cause and effect" theory quite yet.
Just today my friend, Marie and I took Joey swimming. We have discovered that by using a life jacket Joey has more freedom in the pool and in turn, I don't kicked all the time. We all got out of the pool to put our feet in the hot tub when Joey stood up and just jumped into the pool. With no regard to anyone around him Joey made the decision to get in water (life jacket on) without an adult and that SCARES ME!

We have a rule for swimming. Joey is not allowed to enter the water until an adult is in and gives him permission to do so. So for Joey to completely disregard that rule doesn't surprise me but more in so, worries me. I began to question his reasoning and then my mind went wild!

"What happens if he escapes the apartment at night when we are sleeping and knows what elevators to take to which floor to get to the pool and jumps in?"

Of course most of this question is absurd and ridiculous. We have a hotel lock on our door which he cannot reach, he would have to enter a code to get into the other building where the pool is and the doors to the pool are so heavy that they are difficult for me to open. But of course there is always the slight possibility.

All of this ran through my head in a matter of seconds so I did the best thing I knew to do. I went into the pool, set him on the deck and took his life jacket off. I then let him jump back in and let him go just enough for him to realize that he had to really kick and struggle to keep his head above water and that he can't go without the life jacket. I then sat him down and lectured him that he cannot swim alone.

I am not sure how much got through to him, but I hope enough.

Like I said motherhood is scary. But I also believe those fears are what make us good mothers.

So next on my to do list?
Research how to teach a child to flip over on their back and float in the water.

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